A New Decade: Make It Count!

It’s not only that this year has almost come to an end, giving us a chance to reflect upon the events from the last twelve months within our lives; it is that a whole decade is coming to a close. 10 years of our lives (10 years of this blog!).  

I recognise that I am totally biased towards being someone who thinks that one should do more than exist, but I’d challenge those of you bumping along to ask yourself if you are happy with how you have lived the last year; last ten years? Are there aspects of your life that you feel you could have done a better job? Or taken a different approach? Would you be more content if you had? If you had that conversation? Taken that risk? Been that bit more vulnerable and open? Do you instead feel you are a victim of your circumstances? Do you have that “why me?” feeling?

Fair enough if you have taken the time to reflect and are perfectly content within your comfort zone. That is a choice, as well and one that works for many. However, if you look back and recognise that you could have/ should have done more, or something,  or differently, then I’ve got a challenge for you.

Make this next decade count! 

Effectively these next paragraphs of call to action are going to be a collection of sayings accumulated in my past 10 years of reflection and experience. I’m sure there is some quoting credit that is meant to be done; however, this fondue-pot of experience has assimilated, thus apologies in advance. Here it goes. 

“What’s the worst that can happen?”. 

Well, in my full reality and in some situations, you might die, but I’d challenge most of you to rationally recognise that actually dying in pursuit of your own personal challenge will not kill you. And for those of you who are on a pursuit of more of an extreme goal or endeavour, where the risk of death is actual, then there are ways to mitigate the risk through thorough preparation. Please take the time to be thoroughly prepared, for when the worst happens. 

“What’s the worst that can happen?”, in regards to taking a risk in leaving your job, speaking to that person you’ve been avoiding, taking control of your health, etc, etc, does not likely have a chance of death. Perhaps instead there is a chance of rejection, or too large of an effort, or failure of some sort, but you will still be alive the next day to try something else, or go back to your old ways, if that suits you better. What is important though, is that you tried. You don't get what you don't ask for. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take... okay, that one is Gretzky for sure.

Our minds naturally catastrophise to the worst possible outcome we can imagine, usually humiliation or rejection, but what is so bad about that? It sucks to feel rejected or ashamed, but that is a momentary reaction. You can choose to not feel that way. So what if someone doesn’t like you? There are over 7 billion people in this world, I’m sure there is someone out there who thinks you’re awesome. YOU should think YOU are awesome without needing that validation from others. Find your self-worth. Value your self. 

Or, so what if that diet/ exercise/ communication style didn’t work for you? Try another approach. Why not try a completely different approach, rather than more of the same? Someone said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It’s likely that if you are continuously disappointed with the outcome, you are probably going through the same recipe, just trying different ingredients. Why not try a different WAY instead? Stop being a serial complainer and be brave enough to have happiness and contentment in your life.  Be brave enough to do it a different way.

I can share that a different outlook and approach has certainly helped me grow and progress... after getting fed up of the same outcome, after “trying to change”, I actually took the time to listen to other perspectives. 

What?!? 

My way isn’t always the best way?! 

Well, if you are someone who likes to challenge, then you can only be a good challenger by accepting that there are other ways to get to the goal. Try it on. See how it feels? Stick with it for a period long enough to decipher if this other way is a better way, or not. Challenge back on experience rather than the hypothetical. 

Are you being your best self? 

A great friend of mine said you should trade upwards in your relationships. You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, so what circles are you swimming in? Are you swimming at all? Metaphorically? Like are you on the observation deck or in the pool? And physically? In the script of Mr. Robot: are you a 1 or a 0? Are you a doer or not? 

Okay, so I’m not quite ready to jump on the triathlon bandwagon, but if I keep hanging out with people who are, I’m sure I’ll be doing my own swimming... well, maybe in another decade. The point is, I am hanging out with people who want more, have more, have goals, want more than where they are today. More physicality, more enjoyment, more out of life! 

What is also important is that the circles I am attracted to are also grateful! Glass-half-full-love-lifers. Please don’t mistake my ambition and drive for dissatisfaction about my circumstances. Robin once asked me what am I grateful for, and it was easy to answer: I’m grateful to be born where I was, when I was, in the family I have. Everything that I am now is growth from those relatively affluent (compared to the rest of the world) circumstances. 

Visit a third world country more than once in your life if you feel like your life is too hard. Heck, visit the inner city of wherever you currently live and empathise with those who have less. If you have, sometimes being your best self is helping those who have not in whatever capacity that resonates strongest with you. 

Make it personal. Make it real. 

If you’re not enlisted to the core, what’s the point? Goals become successes when you’re enlisted; living and breathing whatever betterment you are trying to achieve. Don’t let your goals become tasks or just another item on your to-do list that you will get around to. I recognise I am preaching about making goals (another great friend told me I am addicted to goal setting which I completely accept), but your goals don’t need to be lofty, Nobel Prize winning efforts. Rather, they are personal commitments to making your life a little better, or maybe different. Robin used to make three goals a year: one for his relationships, one for his well-being, and one massive challenge. Start small with something you know you are likely to achieve. Achievement feels nice... don't you want to feel a little more warm and fuzzy? 

Here are some suggestions if you don’t know where to start: be a better listener, learn about and practice empathy, stop judging people.

Make your to-do list and goals real. 

If it’s in your head, it doesn’t exist. Once it’s written, or spoken to another, then it’s real. Make your goals real. Make your thoughts real. Make your opinions real. Stop living in your own reality and realise that you are not alone... even if you are super introverted and wish you were alone. I’d like to challenge (as an experienced introvert and introvert whisperer), that even if those moments where you truly need to be alone are numerous, they are not the only moments of your life. You are 1 in 7 (ish) billion, mull over that. 

Share the goal. 

Share the journey.

Share the experience. 

You are not the only one this has happened to. You are not the only one thinking the way you are. Your thoughts are not original (heard from Tony Robbins) Perhaps you helping others, being your better or best self, is sharing your experience to help others with their journey. 

So what’s it going to be? 

What page do you chose to turn to? 

How will you be different? Or better? Or even the best you can be? In whichever facet of your life that might be. 

Make this next decade count!

P.S. 

If you feel like you need a bit of support in setting goals, message me and we can chat! 

P.P.S: 

And in the spirit of sharing and making it real, here are some of my goals for the next year to kick-off the decade: 

• get my 6-Star Medal (follow me on Instagram @xtynspix
• Run the Everest Marathon (and get closure Nepal). You can join me in Nepal for the trek to Everest Base Camp, and/or to run the marathon if you are that way inclined)... message me for details at kristyncarriere@hotmail.com
• Launch 7 Summits Snacks: my legacy chocolate-snacking company inspired in part by Robin’s endeavours. Done with two other fabulous women, Christine and my sister, Leanna. Website and dedicated write up coming soon. Follow us on Instagram @7summitsnacks

Decisions, decisions...

Just over two years ago, I decided upon my next big challenge. 

About one year ago, I dove even deeper into that challenge, and despite hardships, moved beyond the half-way point. I decided to keep going rather than stop.
Just over one year ago, a decision was made that changed the course of my life. 
Just over four months ago, Robin also made a decision to keep going. 

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” T. S. Eliot

How far is too far?

I laugh to myself at the thought of the quote and that question as a response, as I’m reminded by an inside joke or bit of banter we used to share: “it’s a fine line, Kristyn, a fine line...”. 

This was usually discussed in regards to an athlete missing out on their gold medal by a thousandth of a second or the threat of missing a connecting train on a usual commute between Birmingham and Brussels, but never to actually discuss the possibility of pushing beyond the physical limit of a literal no return. 

We certainly both liked to push our boundaries or even to push THE boundaries, and risks were always calculated or fairly contemplated. Risk assessing the boundaries is a useful, and rational exercise, but I’m still left wondering what “too far” means. I suspect “too far” has a large cost to it of sorts: financial, physical, and/ or emotional, but still, a large cost is a debatable term. Is “too far” a cost on your expenses? Your comfort? Or your actual life? 

What does T. S. Eliot mean in his quote? Oh no 🙄, not meaning again. 

I believe the general consensus around this quote would agree that “too far” would suggest existing somewhere beyond your comfort zone, yet perhaps not facing death. Or perhaps that’s me hopefully projecting for the sake of humanity. 

Or rather, shall we focus on the meaning of the word risk instead? Is to risk to take a chance, thus inviting an element of fate? Is risk-taking tackling known hurdles? Is it a quantified and calculated cost, again, physical, emotional, and/ or financial? 

In any case, to take a risk is to make a decision and set you on your path. Being on a path supposes that you have purpose, and you all know how much of a fan of having purpose I am. 

So what were these decisions? And what is my purpose these days?

Just over two years ago, I decided upon my next big challenge: 

After finishing the Berlin Marathon Oct 1, 2017, I decided to commit to going after my 6-Star Medal. The 6-Star Medal is awarded to those who have completed all six of the World Marathon Major runs: Berlin, Boston, Chicago, London, New York, and Tokyo. In choosing goals for the next couple of years, my thoughts teetered between trekking another peak (Elbrus) or ticking off these marathons. With my age, general running ability, and requirement to qualify for Boston, thus considering my current fitness and ability together, I thought that I better get these marathons done before I start a family, because I certainly don’t want to train this hard when I have munchkins.

About one year ago, I dove even deeper into that challenge, and despite hardships, moved beyond the halfway point. I decided to keep going rather than stop.

As this goal of obtaining the 6-Star Medal contains running the Boston Marathon, which you can only enter if you run a certain (fast-ish) time, I thought I would use the Chicago Marathon in 2018 to get my Boston place. If I didn’t get my time then, I would surely get it 4 weeks later when I ran the New York City marathon. Or that was the plan. After running Berlin, having a few hard months personally, and in training for the Chicago and New York Marathons (Stars 3 and 4), I depleted everything I had physically. 

In the spring of 2018, I found myself napping as soon as I got home from work, feeling absolutely bagged during running, and clocking heart rates on my usual long runs of an upwards of 170 bpm (long run heart rates should be less than 150bpm). I had been getting routine blood work done anyways for another minor issue, and as I was training to get faster at running, some strange results kept surfacing… through broken English and Franglais (I was in Brussels at the time), I continuously paid the doctor 100 Euros for 10 minutes of his time to tell me I was getting rhabdomylosis from exercising. 

During the first consultation, the doctor told me to run less, so I tried to relax on my long runs, but kept up the speed-work. The second consultation, after the marker levels increased, he told me with concern to run less again, so instead I went to see a dietitian and kept running the same. Insert quote here about insanity= repeating the same patterns over again and expecting a different result. After the third consultation, my marker levels slightly decreased (the dietitian helped me out, but doubted her measuring instrument when it repeatedly reported that I had the muscle quality of an elderly person), he was firmly telling me not to run more than 40 minutes, two times a week. By then my coach Leanna switched up my training sessions forcing me to buy a one piece swimsuit for my new running method in the pool so that I would be able to keep training and get my butt around these upcoming marathons.

When you Dr Google rhabdo effects, you get answers such as: Rhabdomylosis a serious syndrome due to a direct or indirect muscle injury. It results from the death of muscle fibers and release of their contents into the bloodstream. It results in acute renal failure. In reading this, many people might have thrown in the towel and rightfully deferred their races until the following year. The point is, I decided to take a risk and keep training, although in an adjusted way, and also partake in the marathons. I read what I could to understand what might actually be happening to my body, decided that it was serious, but low level enough (not likely to result in death), so continued on my quest for these stars.

Circling back to Mr Eliot, I found out that pool running isn’t as bad as I thought it would be, that I can run a decent marathon time, or two, (3:47, 3:49) with limited training, and that I can run two marathons in a month of each other. I found new limits and realizations within myself, which absolutely set me up for what 2019 had in store for me.

Just over one year ago, a decision was made that changed the course of my life.  
I can’t talk about the Chicago Marathon without thinking of Robin. It was this weekend, October 5th, perhaps, that Dan Mazur of Summit Climb made the decision to take Robin on his Everest expedition team. Robin was in. His dream to climb Everest was on. When he opened that e-mail and shared it with me, it would be one of those moments that you remember for the rest of your life.

Just over four months ago, Robin also made a decision to keep going. 
He certainly risked going too far and found out how far he could go. 

I share this story because I believe this T. S. Eliot quote is often too loosely quoted, or perhaps I am now hypersensitive to its sentiment. I am certainly not advocating a life without risk or challenging your personal boundaries. The broader purpose in my life is the decision to keep moving forward, onwards, and upwards; the decision to live a challenge-ful life keeps me going. Rather I would challenge those of you who use this quote as an excuse, to consider the full impact, beyond yourself, of your decisions. Contrarily, discovering how far one can go IS a personal endeavour which should be pursued without having to be defended. You choose because it’s in your heart. You choose because you choose. You choose (hopefully) with purpose.

My choices, decisions, and purpose for 2020 remain on track from what I set out to accomplish in 2017: go after my 6-Star Medal. 

I survived the chaos which is trying to enter the Tokyo Marathon via the charity placement scheme, and have donated 100,000 yen to Plan International to help girls run in developing countries, have access to education, and say “NO” to early forced marriage. The marathon is March 1, 2020.

I will then travel to Boston to collect my 6-Star Medal when I finish the marathon on April 20, 2020. After everything that happened in the last 18 months, and through incredible support from my coach (and sis-star) Leanna Carriere, I managed to take 15 minutes off my marathon time, in a year, on my home turf of Edmonton, where I qualified for Boston.

And if that wasn’t enough, the actual risk I am taking is to enter the Everest Marathon on May 29, 2020. Three marathons in two months, and I thought I’d try my first trail race starting at 5300m of elevation where the course tracks from Everest Base Camp to Namche Bazaar. This was actually something that Robin and I joked about taking part in, and as it will be shortly after a year of his passing, I thought it to be the most fitting tribute I could offer him.

If you are personally interested in exploring what your “too far” might be, then I invite you to take part and join this epic trek with me. You certainly don’t need to run the marathon, as I will also encourage you to trek through this special region of Nepal to Everest Base Camp. I have put together an itinerary and have a company lined up to make all of the arrangements in Nepal. Please message me (kristyncarriere@hotmail.com) if you are interested in joining. 

Otherwise, I leave you with another quote from T. S. Eliot if you are feeling as though you are searching for your purpose:

“To do the useful thing, to say the courageous thing, to contemplate the beautiful thing: that is enough for one man's life.”  T. S. Eliot

Trek-only option also available.

100 days later and my two cents on the new rules

Shortly after Robin and I started our relationship, he presented me with a card. It was the end of May, and there was no traditional holiday in our newly combined schedule that warranted a card or commemoration. I remember feeling touched by the notion of receiving an unprompted gesture and grateful to have such a thoughtful person in my life. This card was a note to thank me for our first 100 days together.

The concept of 100 days was born to me at that point. Kind of like the adages “you can’t unlearn what you’ve learned” or “unsee what you have seen”; now forever aware, 100 day milestones are locked in my brain... along with many other notions Robin brought to me. 

Today has been 100 days from when Robin took his last breath and I still feel all the feelings associated with loss. Even though I completely understand Robin is eternalised as the highest man on earth (until an almighty blast of weather brings him wings or another person summits), every now and again I get smacked in the face with the reality that he is not returning. 

There were two topics I wanted to touch on today, and I guess they are both about coping in their own way. Firstly, as there is continuously news about the number of deaths that occurred in the last season on Everest and subsequently new rules the Nepalese government has proposed, I’m going to give you my two cents on the matter. Secondly, I want to share my thoughts on “meaning”. Perhaps these two topics warrant their own individual entries, but I recognise that both are timely and emotional to me, thus cathartic to write about, and a good way to share how I am coping 100 days later. 

Topic One: The Everest Rule Changes
Maybe not the healthiest of habits for me, but I’m still subscribed to Everest alerts on all sorts of media outlets. Regularly new articles are released as the Spring 2019 season fades away and a hint of a possible Autumn 2019 season surfaces. Many of the articles cite the death count this year, and every time I read the attribution line “inexperienced climbers or guides” as blanket blame for the deaths, I become admittedly angry (reverting to step two of dealing with grief). I’m angry because Robin wouldn’t have wanted his name associated with notions of carelessness or incompetence as I take the term inexperienced to be directed. Queue counter argument from my internal voice saying “but that’s just the meaning you take from such statements, Kristyn”. 

Inexperienced is a spectrum term in this case, and I say so in relation the the new rules the Nepalese government released for upcoming seasons. Enforceability of these rules still remains a hot topic for discussion; however, the key points (which make me angry) are: 

a. Climbers must prove they have summited a Nepalese peak higher than 6500m prior to their Everest bid.

b. Only Nepalese citizens will be able to be leaders and guides

c. Tourism companies are required to have at least three years’ experience organizing high-altitude expeditions

d. The base ticket price will be $35,000

e. Health Certificates must be provided before issuing permits

Apart from Robin's qualifying summit of Aconcagua not being a Nepalese peak  of >6500m, these rule changes wouldn’t have prevented Robin from dying. If Everest Summit Certificates can be forged by the body that will regulate this rule, then anyone would be able to produce a proving piece of paper. Robin was with a Sherpa who had summited Everest 19 times already and the tour company Robin went with asked for a health note from a doctor as a part of the signing-up package. These rules will also not dramatically reduce the number of permits issued as I expect a large number of aspiring expedition goers can probably scrape together the extra cash for the permit; either because of their affluence or their pure determination to make their dreams come true. Then what would have prevented Robin’s death? Or that of the other 10 casualties? Who really knows as my experience in finding out the particulars is shrouded in as much mystery as the contents of Pandora’s Box.  Would these rules have prevented the others from dying? I also don’t have the answer to that as I haven’t done the in-depth research. 

The Nepalese government has full reason to raise an inquiry into how to decrease the risk of death on Everest as it is in their interest to decrease the number of negative P.R. stories. The government also should lead changes to improve safety and accountability. I don’t believe the proposals are enough from a safety perspective. To my knowledge, there is no real accountability for people (and I mean this in the sense of humanity) once you sign your life away on the wavier provided to you by your expedition company. 

A question I’d start with if I was the government is: what measures must be in place to de-risk the chance of death during expedition when the fully experienced, faux-ly experienced, or that one unlucky somewhat experienced person runs into trouble? I’ve got thoughts on the matter, and invite you to share yours with me, to make the whole Everest experience a better place for the expedition members, and subsequently family and friends of climbers involved. 

…

Topic two: Meaning

As mentioned, what makes me angry about the news reports is the meaning I assert to lines such as: 

“criticized for not stopping inexperienced climbers who had difficulty coping with harsh conditions on Everest and slowed down other climbers”

“Nepalese commission found that the Everest deaths were primarily caused by the inexperience of the climbers and crowding near the 29,035 ft (8,850 m) summit.”

Alternatively the term inexperienced in these statements could be interpreted to mean that climbers just haven’t clocked enough climbing time (or experience) to understand how their body fully works (or doesn’t in this case) at altitude.

Ultimately a concept I am well familiar with and which has been a game changer in my outlook on life, thereby ability to cope with hardship, is that “life is empty and meaningless” (where meaningless does NOT mean pointless) and the meaning is what you choose. Furthermore, I support this concept or belief structure with the belief that “where focus goes, energy flows” meaning 🤪 that if you choose to focus, or take meaning, in negative ways, negative energy fills you. 

Contrarily, I choose to spend my thoughts assuming positive intent, meaning, etc to invite positive mind states and eventually positive manifestations within my life. By the way... I’d like to state that these are not (my) original ideas and I fully credit my experiences with The Landmark Forum and Tony Robbins (more gifts from my time with Robin) to equipping me to cope in the way that I am. 

So how am I coping theses 100 days later? 

Cognizantly

Rationally

Potentially irrationally

At times, emotionally. 

A long time acquaintance of mine said to me that I have an interesting way of “dealing with life” that seems to work for me. I put everything in a cupboard and pull out what I need at the time I am ready to address it. Sometimes I put things back, shunning them because I’m not ready. Other times I take them out, and fully process and let go. This is definitely a fair reflection of my time over the past 5 years of my life, and especially so in the past three months, or 100 days.

I mentioned that I am still at times surprised by the idea that Robin will never return, and I choose the word idea because that’s another coping strategy that I, and others (refer to the writer Elizabeth Gilbert as a way to gain credibility to this notion), use to process grief. We choose to sign-up to the belief that those we love are omnipresent and are recognised in our thoughts, in our earworms, and in the change of wind we feel in those quiet moments. 

The word “idea” meaning suggestion or possibility that one’s life is not defined entirely by their presence within their body, meaning (to me) that one’s presence may be felt, or acknowledged without a traditionally physical presence. Perhaps this is still me cycling from anger to denial, but what does it really matter if this idea brings me comfort and helps me get through the day? I CAN honestly say that in searching for answers, assigning meaning, or inviting signs to feel that Robin is with me, I am not straying far from what might be deemed “traditional daily effectiveness” on the surface and get $#!t done. Hey, I did still BQ!

I will also say that I am still trying to find answers, and interpret and assign meaning to the events leading up to Robin’s death as a way of coping and finding closure. However, through the support of my sisters and my rational mind, I do continue to question my intentions and to check that they are globally positive, allowing me to invite the positivity I need at an innate level to fuel my life’s path. 

With that, I’ll leave you with a mini mantra: 

“Where focus goes, energy flows” 

and let you choose where to place your energies. 

We could all do with a lot more positivity in our lives- that’s a fact!

Terrr-RAH... I’m off to activate my purpose.

After 9 years, 7 months, and almost three handfuls of days; two different companies, two sides of the channel, and 28 countries visited, I’m leaving my second home of Birmingham to return back to my first. 

I can also say that I probably have not consistently lived in Edmonton since 2002, which boosts those stats to 17 years minus 1 month and a total of 47 countries slept in during that period.  When did I get so old to be able to say “I did that almost 20 years ago!” 😱Especially when it still feels like I embarked on my travel journey only yesterday.  Oh wait, I seem to have forgotten the three years I went to University year circa 2006 - 2009. Well, "10 years ago" is certainly better.

I have been away almost as long as I have lived in my hometown, yet I’m inclined to still call Edmonton my home town. The concept of home to those who are nomadic is fascinating. I wrote about it several years ago, thinking that home is where your stuff is, and/ or, it is where your special someone resides, meaning that wherever you are in the world, you are “home” when you’re with those you love. I’ve been contemplating if I feel the need to revise that definition or not, especially with my stuff literally being shipped for an indefinite amount of time across the Atlantic. Even with the reunification of said stuff, I’ll likely be residing with family for a further indefinite amount of time, all surmounting to the feeling of constant nomadship for the foreseeable future. At least being in the proximity of my family, thus those who love me, allows me to feel at home in one sense of my definition. 

Nomadic in address and in life’s upcoming path, this is likely to be the first time in my life that I can’t say I know how I’m going to get to where I want to go. I have some pipe dreams I want to activate and a few concrete dates in the calendar, although I probably cannot reliably tell you what is on the agenda tomorrow. I will however, be releasing info on my adventure plans for you to follow and join as they arise. 

Axiom alert: For years and years I’ve lived the belief that details equal success, and that has served me to get me where I am today, yet having been shook to the core with the loss of Robin, I’m trying on the idea that doors will open so long as I remain so. Perhaps life is screaming at me to enjoy the journey and to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I wonder if my basic need for certainty will override this program at some point in time?

Admitting to, by writing this (the uncertainty around my day to day and learning to be open to the journey) reminds me of my core ethics, which I have permanently etched on my being: to live a life of reason, full of purpose and self esteem. I guess that’s me looking for certainty already as a coping mechanism. I definitely have purpose in my life with my upcoming goals, and I’m full of the confidence that will be needed to execute them. It’s the reminder to be objective in the times I feel overwhelmed that I’m grasping as I write; as well, to use my senses and take in what is around me to be grateful and feed my sense purpose. 

In the meantime as I make my second attempt at a Kr-exit, I’d like to reflect and share a few things that I think makes England such a great and “interesting” (in the true, not “English” sense of the word) place to live. 

• It’s green! Not grey. Many lament about the dull sky, lacking in sunshine, however, without the moisture, the abundance of deep green, hedge-lined fields would not be so. You only need to drive a small way from the city to appreciate the vista of rolling hills; the vista that I regularly gaze out on to when sitting on one of the very many trains over the years. Any time I venture away, this green scene puts a smile on my face. Perhaps next time you’re feeling as grey as the sky, I’d invite you to shift your gaze a little and take a moment to appreciate the life you can actually see around you.

• The English. Here I mean the English who have been here for many, many generations. Those who on the surface live their unassuming daily lives, they get on with it, they don’t tend to rock the boat. But when given good reason (or excuse), do things with more gusto than the average alien passerby might expect. They go big! They are the Mums who have their bottle each of rosé on the dance floor when they have their annual night off a year; they are the Lads and Dads who swap their daily uniforms to don facepaint and fancy dress to support their teams; they are all the Folk who, when you give them a cause, will go to bat without question to support others, in charity, in community, in nation. I suppose what I love about the English is the element of a surprise factor leading to the extrapolated notion and reminder that one shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. 

• The People. Here I mean my people. My friends, colleagues, and special acquaintances I have met along the way. Some of you are English, others are people like me who have ventured to this island for some reasons of their own. People who have had and still have dreams and see the UK as a land of possibility. My friends, colleagues, and acquaintances who appreciate this land in which they live and use what it has to offer to move forward in life. Thank you my friends for enriching my life in ways that have helped to form who I am and the life I will create. Some of you I’ve know for almost 10 years, some less, and some who I will continue to value and connect with over the next 10 years because you have a special place in my life. 

With that I say “ta ra” (for now) to this green gem of a land. I’m not sure when I will be back, but I have a feeling that I will return, and in closing I’d like to leave you with a quote of what purpose means to me: 

“purpose serves to integrate all the other concerns of a man’s life. It establishes the hierarchy, the relative importance, of his values, it saves him from pointless inner conflicts, it permits him to enjoy life on a wide scale and to carry that enjoyment into any area open to his mind; whereas a man without a purpose is lost in chaos.” Ayn Rand

Well... that wasn't in the plan

Well… that wasn’t in the plan.

If you would have asked me just over a month ago, how the next two years of my life were going to pan out, I would have told you: 

• get my Boston Qualifying Time
• run Tokyo 2020
• run Boston 2020 (getting my 6-Star medal)
• celebrate by getting pregnant
• have a baby
• move home
• establish a new family near to the Rockies
• go out on a limb with a new do-it-myself job. 

Of course, all presupposing that was to happen with my best friend, partner, and soulmate, Robin. Also of course, fully recognizing that this plan might not exactly happen, I made a contingency baby plan in case I didn’t get my BQ until later in 2019, thus qualifying me for Boston 2021. Robin’s big plan for 2019 was to summit Mount Everest. His further plans were to support me on my marathon journey and next on the list for him was to swim the Channel whilst we were still on this Island.

I guess the universe had another idea. 

Sagarmatha was hungry this year and seemingly claimed a life on each day an aspiring climber made an attempt. On May 25th, 2019, Robin achieved his 2019 goal, unfortunately it was his turn to succumb to the “Goddess of the Sky” at “the Peak of Heaven” as Everest, or Sagarmatha is known to the Nepalese.

Queue a big, sad, heavy sigh.

What happened?! 

I do mean this literally, but not as much as I mean it figuratively in a questioning-the-universe sense. I’m not here to decode the former to you, as there are questions we will never be able to  factually answer. I can sit and create theories all day long, but that won’t serve me, nor fellow man. I am also not sweeping this event under the carpet, choosing to revisit Robin’s created shared-memories as they do offer support in a positive way. Oh, and with the passing of your partner when they were more than the average man, comes another Everest of paperwork to decode- I couldn’t responsibly run away if I tried.

Why am I writing/ sharing with you then?

A few reasons: writing is somewhat cathartic for me, I want to put my gratitude out to the world, and I want those of you who know me to know that I AM okay.

I want to start by being grateful for everyone in my life and saying the biggest, heartfelt thank you.

Thank you to my family who were there for me in a heartbeat- on the phone, and in person. Reasons why to save up all of your airline points- so you can get your sisters shipped out here- stat! In times of great adversity, it’s comforting to be with those who really know and get you. There are only 3 people in my life who do… Leanna, Nadia, and Robin. My sisters know… they know when I need a moment, they know when I need a glass of wine, they know when I need to go for a run, they know when I need the house tidied. They didn’t ask. They just did. They did everything I possibly needed, including bringing light when we were all hurting inside. Bringing light, just as Robin did, too.

Thank you to Robin's family, my extended family and close friends. You’ve been with me emotionally. You’ve spent time with me (in person and virtually), sending me your support and deep compassion. Thank you to those who have stopped by. Thank you to those who sent video messages. Thank you to those who have cooked for me, sent flowers, and offered up meaningful support in the form of running, climbing, or a good ol’ chat. I can’t even convey the gratitude I have towards those of you who took the extra moments to share their feelings with me; not only in the instant I became bereaved, but also continuously. 

Thank you to everyone else, literally in the world, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances of me AND of Robin who took the time to send their condolences, support, and kind memories. These moments that you shared with Robin, and have now shared with me and his family are so touching. For a man who self-declared as a hermit more often than you might think, you would never have guessed it from the outpouring of support we have received.

All of this support is as overwhelming to me as the event itself. Perhaps as I am usually an emotional robot that doesn’t quite feel as deeply as those around her; perhaps as I would be the one that doesn’t know what to say to someone like me and might refrain. To these last people in my life that I know, thank you- Thank you for thinking of me. Your support is still felt (this robot is a bit broken these days) and recognized.

…

How have I been doing? Processing?

Day-by-day, as cliche as that is. Wanting to, but being cognisant, of making major life decisions. I’ve been happy. I’ve been sad. Pensive, patient, impatient, longing, heartbroken, hopeful. I’ve been all of the emotions in the past month. In the moment that I found out, I felt pure disbelief. It was another set of words on a page that were similar to the words on a page I had been reading each day previously. Numb. As the day went on, and calls, messages, and requests for interviews came in, I remained numb. I heard others crying, but shed few tears myself. My brain went into it’s system-default logistician mode. I had practical matters consuming 80% of the CPU, 10% for basic living functions, and 10% for emotional processing mostly fuelled by clinging to a t-shirt that smelled of Robin. The person I wanted most to heal me with his hug was gone. The smell of his t-shirt was the closest I could get to feeling safe in his arms. One of the reasons why I valued Robin so much was because he always made me feel safe and looked-after. 

Days go by, as do the various stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), and unlike the suggested cycle of this framework, I was (and am) experiencing aspects of these stages in all sorts of levels and orders. In time I might find that they are generally lived out in the theme of the framework; however, until now, I get bouts of each. Denial being the most amusing, mostly because it’s funny (as a rational being) where your brain goes ie:

• One week later: Maybe Robin will do a Beck Weathers and make his way down the mountain?
• Two weeks later: Maybe this was one of those jokes where Robin crosses the line and doesn’t know he has and he will show up at his memorial to make sure we did a good job?
• Three weeks later: Maybe David Blaine will bring Robin back from the dead?

Yeah- all completely irrational and somewhat amusing. I must say though, these feelings of denial have pretty much dried up, which painfully is opening room for depression. Depression feeling more like periods of heavy sadness. The sadness that I wasn’t feeling in the first two weeks, whilst many people warned me that the hard times were yet to come. Okay, they’re here, and it looks like I am living the general framework in the end. Acceptance. Lol!

Don’t be worried about me, though. If sadness is the strongest emotion I am currently feeling, it is not the most frequently expressed emotion, or state rather. 

I am okay. Genuinely.

And not in the: “i’m fine” keeping-up-appearances way.

Okay, I’m not ready to go back to my day-job as of yet (referring to the Everest mountain of paperwork I’ve inherited), but mostly because I am grateful to be alive! I am alive! I have a life to live! The thing I look forward to the most each day is how I am going to use my body. The milestones on my goal list don’t actually need to change (except for the baby goal, but even that I could buy if I really wanted to be a stickler). Those who preach that exercise is good for your mental wellbeing are right. As well, Robin would have abhorred me sitting on my butt getting into a downward spiral of inactivity and latency. Your spirit lives on, good Sir. It always will inside of me. That was a part of our kindred flame: we are Achievers! Thank you for enabling me to pursue my deep-rooted dreams and aspirations. 

In the meantime, I still wake each morning with a brief paralysation and recognition of the sadness that I hold with the loss of my partner-in-crime, get my ass out of bed, pass much time each day learning my new role as an executor of Robin’s wishes, shake my ass outside or in the gym (reference to Joseph McClendon III), pay respect to our memories created with Robin, work on my future, un-wine-d, and look at a very few special moments as I try to trigger dreams of Robin whilst I rest. 
See… I am okay. It doesn’t mean you should stop calling, though ;-)

He will always be on my shoulder.