"The best laid plans..." or To a Mouse

or 

To Robin.

A quote often quoted, by Robin, and others, and perhaps a fitting reminder on this day of tribute and remembrance. My plans to note the day today were meant to be grand, and yet I sit at home in reflection rather than traipsing across the Khumbu Valley paying homage in the Climbers’ Memorial. At this point I want to give a huge shout out to Jemma and Rich, great friends of Robin and I, who have made an epic tribute to Robin this past weekend. Both have "Everest-ed" in their households by climbing the height of Everest on the stairs. They have also been raising funds for charity during their feat. The links to their donation pages are below. Check them out! I'm super proud of both of them for creating and completing this challenge. 

Jemma's fundraising page

Rich's fundraising page

Instead I’ve chosen to share my reflections with you in this published way. 

The quote “the best laid plans” are in reference to the poem “To a Mouse” from the poet, Robert Burns. Here is the quote in English translation from the original Scottish version.

“The best-laid schemes of mice and men

Go often askew, 

And leave us nothing but grief and pain, 

For promised joy!”

Robert Burns, 1785

How fitting in tribute by adding the next two lines for consideration. With all the best intentions set out, many of us have been left with grief and pain, continuously flowing and ebbing, and eventually fading over the months. For some, it is likely that this grief and pain will never fully dissolve. For others, our lives rebuild, old relationships are strengthened and new  and fulfilling relationships are formed. Relationships with memories. Relationships with others. All built on our experience of loss. All built on our experience with you, Robin.

Robin, rest well. You are remembered; and not only on this anniversary. 

As what often happens with a poignant piece of prose I encounter, it takes me much later to understand the full and deeper significance of the piece of work. 

 “The best-laid schemes…” quote, often mis-quoted, and likely misinterpreted through nonchalance or whim.. Such as: “… best laid plans, and all that 🤷…” echoing a “meh” for recognizing that a change has had to occur due to some unforeseen circumstance. I am certainly guilty of this downplay; however, perhaps the sentiment remains the same from the deeper to the surface meaning of the quote.

To understand the deeper meaning, the next block of the poem is essential.

“Still you are blessed, and compared with me!

The present only touches you:

But oh! I backward cast my eye,

On prospects dreary!

And forward, though I cannot see,

I guess and fear!”

With the local event of the loss of Robin one year ago, and the global, ever evolving event of this epidemic we are all facing at the moment, I find this next block of the poem a fitting reminder to live in the present, rather than to re-live the past and fear the future. One is blessed when they can stop looking drearily on past events, as well as choosing to not be fearful of the future.

EVERYONE has experienced “the best-laid schemes” over the past year.

How we are choosing to face into these plans, ripped up and tossed in the wind, PLUS whichever shitty life events are also happening (cancer, job loss, isolation, separation, etc), I find this block of prose to be a reminder about grounding and taking control of what you can control- You. In this exact moment. That is it. That is all. You cannot even control the moment as a whole, rather only your reaction to the present in which you sit. 

Be equipped with the tool of grace to notice what you are experiencing and which door you choose to open next. Be flexible and challenge your natural modus operandi if progress is what you yearn for. 

Those of you who wish to plan, will naturally continue to do so. Plan and plan and plan and you will be prepared to seize the moment with the ever-sharpened tools within your tool box.

Those of you who wish to accept the moment as it comes, are well grounded and skilled in adaptation to allow yourselves to cope with the downward strikes that you encounter. 

In whichever camp you identify, you are united. Others are feeling the same way. Others have dealt with the same emotions… from times far before Burns’ creation of To a Mouse. 

Unite in your grief and share what you are experiencing.

As an individual, find solidarity. I continuously find life lessons to teach me that individualism is not as strong as the summation of support from willing others. 

Change is inevitable. Acceptance is your unlocking key. 

Okay, I’ve entirely oversimplified this last point, but maybe in another year I will be able to verbosely elaborate. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/To_a_Mouse

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/43816/to-a-mouse-56d222ab36e33

100 days later and my two cents on the new rules

Shortly after Robin and I started our relationship, he presented me with a card. It was the end of May, and there was no traditional holiday in our newly combined schedule that warranted a card or commemoration. I remember feeling touched by the notion of receiving an unprompted gesture and grateful to have such a thoughtful person in my life. This card was a note to thank me for our first 100 days together.

The concept of 100 days was born to me at that point. Kind of like the adages “you can’t unlearn what you’ve learned” or “unsee what you have seen”; now forever aware, 100 day milestones are locked in my brain... along with many other notions Robin brought to me. 

Today has been 100 days from when Robin took his last breath and I still feel all the feelings associated with loss. Even though I completely understand Robin is eternalised as the highest man on earth (until an almighty blast of weather brings him wings or another person summits), every now and again I get smacked in the face with the reality that he is not returning. 

There were two topics I wanted to touch on today, and I guess they are both about coping in their own way. Firstly, as there is continuously news about the number of deaths that occurred in the last season on Everest and subsequently new rules the Nepalese government has proposed, I’m going to give you my two cents on the matter. Secondly, I want to share my thoughts on “meaning”. Perhaps these two topics warrant their own individual entries, but I recognise that both are timely and emotional to me, thus cathartic to write about, and a good way to share how I am coping 100 days later. 

Topic One: The Everest Rule Changes
Maybe not the healthiest of habits for me, but I’m still subscribed to Everest alerts on all sorts of media outlets. Regularly new articles are released as the Spring 2019 season fades away and a hint of a possible Autumn 2019 season surfaces. Many of the articles cite the death count this year, and every time I read the attribution line “inexperienced climbers or guides” as blanket blame for the deaths, I become admittedly angry (reverting to step two of dealing with grief). I’m angry because Robin wouldn’t have wanted his name associated with notions of carelessness or incompetence as I take the term inexperienced to be directed. Queue counter argument from my internal voice saying “but that’s just the meaning you take from such statements, Kristyn”. 

Inexperienced is a spectrum term in this case, and I say so in relation the the new rules the Nepalese government released for upcoming seasons. Enforceability of these rules still remains a hot topic for discussion; however, the key points (which make me angry) are: 

a. Climbers must prove they have summited a Nepalese peak higher than 6500m prior to their Everest bid.

b. Only Nepalese citizens will be able to be leaders and guides

c. Tourism companies are required to have at least three years’ experience organizing high-altitude expeditions

d. The base ticket price will be $35,000

e. Health Certificates must be provided before issuing permits

Apart from Robin's qualifying summit of Aconcagua not being a Nepalese peak  of >6500m, these rule changes wouldn’t have prevented Robin from dying. If Everest Summit Certificates can be forged by the body that will regulate this rule, then anyone would be able to produce a proving piece of paper. Robin was with a Sherpa who had summited Everest 19 times already and the tour company Robin went with asked for a health note from a doctor as a part of the signing-up package. These rules will also not dramatically reduce the number of permits issued as I expect a large number of aspiring expedition goers can probably scrape together the extra cash for the permit; either because of their affluence or their pure determination to make their dreams come true. Then what would have prevented Robin’s death? Or that of the other 10 casualties? Who really knows as my experience in finding out the particulars is shrouded in as much mystery as the contents of Pandora’s Box.  Would these rules have prevented the others from dying? I also don’t have the answer to that as I haven’t done the in-depth research. 

The Nepalese government has full reason to raise an inquiry into how to decrease the risk of death on Everest as it is in their interest to decrease the number of negative P.R. stories. The government also should lead changes to improve safety and accountability. I don’t believe the proposals are enough from a safety perspective. To my knowledge, there is no real accountability for people (and I mean this in the sense of humanity) once you sign your life away on the wavier provided to you by your expedition company. 

A question I’d start with if I was the government is: what measures must be in place to de-risk the chance of death during expedition when the fully experienced, faux-ly experienced, or that one unlucky somewhat experienced person runs into trouble? I’ve got thoughts on the matter, and invite you to share yours with me, to make the whole Everest experience a better place for the expedition members, and subsequently family and friends of climbers involved. 

…

Topic two: Meaning

As mentioned, what makes me angry about the news reports is the meaning I assert to lines such as: 

“criticized for not stopping inexperienced climbers who had difficulty coping with harsh conditions on Everest and slowed down other climbers”

“Nepalese commission found that the Everest deaths were primarily caused by the inexperience of the climbers and crowding near the 29,035 ft (8,850 m) summit.”

Alternatively the term inexperienced in these statements could be interpreted to mean that climbers just haven’t clocked enough climbing time (or experience) to understand how their body fully works (or doesn’t in this case) at altitude.

Ultimately a concept I am well familiar with and which has been a game changer in my outlook on life, thereby ability to cope with hardship, is that “life is empty and meaningless” (where meaningless does NOT mean pointless) and the meaning is what you choose. Furthermore, I support this concept or belief structure with the belief that “where focus goes, energy flows” meaning 🤪 that if you choose to focus, or take meaning, in negative ways, negative energy fills you. 

Contrarily, I choose to spend my thoughts assuming positive intent, meaning, etc to invite positive mind states and eventually positive manifestations within my life. By the way... I’d like to state that these are not (my) original ideas and I fully credit my experiences with The Landmark Forum and Tony Robbins (more gifts from my time with Robin) to equipping me to cope in the way that I am. 

So how am I coping theses 100 days later? 

Cognizantly

Rationally

Potentially irrationally

At times, emotionally. 

A long time acquaintance of mine said to me that I have an interesting way of “dealing with life” that seems to work for me. I put everything in a cupboard and pull out what I need at the time I am ready to address it. Sometimes I put things back, shunning them because I’m not ready. Other times I take them out, and fully process and let go. This is definitely a fair reflection of my time over the past 5 years of my life, and especially so in the past three months, or 100 days.

I mentioned that I am still at times surprised by the idea that Robin will never return, and I choose the word idea because that’s another coping strategy that I, and others (refer to the writer Elizabeth Gilbert as a way to gain credibility to this notion), use to process grief. We choose to sign-up to the belief that those we love are omnipresent and are recognised in our thoughts, in our earworms, and in the change of wind we feel in those quiet moments. 

The word “idea” meaning suggestion or possibility that one’s life is not defined entirely by their presence within their body, meaning (to me) that one’s presence may be felt, or acknowledged without a traditionally physical presence. Perhaps this is still me cycling from anger to denial, but what does it really matter if this idea brings me comfort and helps me get through the day? I CAN honestly say that in searching for answers, assigning meaning, or inviting signs to feel that Robin is with me, I am not straying far from what might be deemed “traditional daily effectiveness” on the surface and get $#!t done. Hey, I did still BQ!

I will also say that I am still trying to find answers, and interpret and assign meaning to the events leading up to Robin’s death as a way of coping and finding closure. However, through the support of my sisters and my rational mind, I do continue to question my intentions and to check that they are globally positive, allowing me to invite the positivity I need at an innate level to fuel my life’s path. 

With that, I’ll leave you with a mini mantra: 

“Where focus goes, energy flows” 

and let you choose where to place your energies. 

We could all do with a lot more positivity in our lives- that’s a fact!

Well... that wasn't in the plan

Well… that wasn’t in the plan.

If you would have asked me just over a month ago, how the next two years of my life were going to pan out, I would have told you: 

• get my Boston Qualifying Time
• run Tokyo 2020
• run Boston 2020 (getting my 6-Star medal)
• celebrate by getting pregnant
• have a baby
• move home
• establish a new family near to the Rockies
• go out on a limb with a new do-it-myself job. 

Of course, all presupposing that was to happen with my best friend, partner, and soulmate, Robin. Also of course, fully recognizing that this plan might not exactly happen, I made a contingency baby plan in case I didn’t get my BQ until later in 2019, thus qualifying me for Boston 2021. Robin’s big plan for 2019 was to summit Mount Everest. His further plans were to support me on my marathon journey and next on the list for him was to swim the Channel whilst we were still on this Island.

I guess the universe had another idea. 

Sagarmatha was hungry this year and seemingly claimed a life on each day an aspiring climber made an attempt. On May 25th, 2019, Robin achieved his 2019 goal, unfortunately it was his turn to succumb to the “Goddess of the Sky” at “the Peak of Heaven” as Everest, or Sagarmatha is known to the Nepalese.

Queue a big, sad, heavy sigh.

What happened?! 

I do mean this literally, but not as much as I mean it figuratively in a questioning-the-universe sense. I’m not here to decode the former to you, as there are questions we will never be able to  factually answer. I can sit and create theories all day long, but that won’t serve me, nor fellow man. I am also not sweeping this event under the carpet, choosing to revisit Robin’s created shared-memories as they do offer support in a positive way. Oh, and with the passing of your partner when they were more than the average man, comes another Everest of paperwork to decode- I couldn’t responsibly run away if I tried.

Why am I writing/ sharing with you then?

A few reasons: writing is somewhat cathartic for me, I want to put my gratitude out to the world, and I want those of you who know me to know that I AM okay.

I want to start by being grateful for everyone in my life and saying the biggest, heartfelt thank you.

Thank you to my family who were there for me in a heartbeat- on the phone, and in person. Reasons why to save up all of your airline points- so you can get your sisters shipped out here- stat! In times of great adversity, it’s comforting to be with those who really know and get you. There are only 3 people in my life who do… Leanna, Nadia, and Robin. My sisters know… they know when I need a moment, they know when I need a glass of wine, they know when I need to go for a run, they know when I need the house tidied. They didn’t ask. They just did. They did everything I possibly needed, including bringing light when we were all hurting inside. Bringing light, just as Robin did, too.

Thank you to Robin's family, my extended family and close friends. You’ve been with me emotionally. You’ve spent time with me (in person and virtually), sending me your support and deep compassion. Thank you to those who have stopped by. Thank you to those who sent video messages. Thank you to those who have cooked for me, sent flowers, and offered up meaningful support in the form of running, climbing, or a good ol’ chat. I can’t even convey the gratitude I have towards those of you who took the extra moments to share their feelings with me; not only in the instant I became bereaved, but also continuously. 

Thank you to everyone else, literally in the world, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances of me AND of Robin who took the time to send their condolences, support, and kind memories. These moments that you shared with Robin, and have now shared with me and his family are so touching. For a man who self-declared as a hermit more often than you might think, you would never have guessed it from the outpouring of support we have received.

All of this support is as overwhelming to me as the event itself. Perhaps as I am usually an emotional robot that doesn’t quite feel as deeply as those around her; perhaps as I would be the one that doesn’t know what to say to someone like me and might refrain. To these last people in my life that I know, thank you- Thank you for thinking of me. Your support is still felt (this robot is a bit broken these days) and recognized.

…

How have I been doing? Processing?

Day-by-day, as cliche as that is. Wanting to, but being cognisant, of making major life decisions. I’ve been happy. I’ve been sad. Pensive, patient, impatient, longing, heartbroken, hopeful. I’ve been all of the emotions in the past month. In the moment that I found out, I felt pure disbelief. It was another set of words on a page that were similar to the words on a page I had been reading each day previously. Numb. As the day went on, and calls, messages, and requests for interviews came in, I remained numb. I heard others crying, but shed few tears myself. My brain went into it’s system-default logistician mode. I had practical matters consuming 80% of the CPU, 10% for basic living functions, and 10% for emotional processing mostly fuelled by clinging to a t-shirt that smelled of Robin. The person I wanted most to heal me with his hug was gone. The smell of his t-shirt was the closest I could get to feeling safe in his arms. One of the reasons why I valued Robin so much was because he always made me feel safe and looked-after. 

Days go by, as do the various stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance), and unlike the suggested cycle of this framework, I was (and am) experiencing aspects of these stages in all sorts of levels and orders. In time I might find that they are generally lived out in the theme of the framework; however, until now, I get bouts of each. Denial being the most amusing, mostly because it’s funny (as a rational being) where your brain goes ie:

• One week later: Maybe Robin will do a Beck Weathers and make his way down the mountain?
• Two weeks later: Maybe this was one of those jokes where Robin crosses the line and doesn’t know he has and he will show up at his memorial to make sure we did a good job?
• Three weeks later: Maybe David Blaine will bring Robin back from the dead?

Yeah- all completely irrational and somewhat amusing. I must say though, these feelings of denial have pretty much dried up, which painfully is opening room for depression. Depression feeling more like periods of heavy sadness. The sadness that I wasn’t feeling in the first two weeks, whilst many people warned me that the hard times were yet to come. Okay, they’re here, and it looks like I am living the general framework in the end. Acceptance. Lol!

Don’t be worried about me, though. If sadness is the strongest emotion I am currently feeling, it is not the most frequently expressed emotion, or state rather. 

I am okay. Genuinely.

And not in the: “i’m fine” keeping-up-appearances way.

Okay, I’m not ready to go back to my day-job as of yet (referring to the Everest mountain of paperwork I’ve inherited), but mostly because I am grateful to be alive! I am alive! I have a life to live! The thing I look forward to the most each day is how I am going to use my body. The milestones on my goal list don’t actually need to change (except for the baby goal, but even that I could buy if I really wanted to be a stickler). Those who preach that exercise is good for your mental wellbeing are right. As well, Robin would have abhorred me sitting on my butt getting into a downward spiral of inactivity and latency. Your spirit lives on, good Sir. It always will inside of me. That was a part of our kindred flame: we are Achievers! Thank you for enabling me to pursue my deep-rooted dreams and aspirations. 

In the meantime, I still wake each morning with a brief paralysation and recognition of the sadness that I hold with the loss of my partner-in-crime, get my ass out of bed, pass much time each day learning my new role as an executor of Robin’s wishes, shake my ass outside or in the gym (reference to Joseph McClendon III), pay respect to our memories created with Robin, work on my future, un-wine-d, and look at a very few special moments as I try to trigger dreams of Robin whilst I rest. 
See… I am okay. It doesn’t mean you should stop calling, though ;-)

He will always be on my shoulder.