Decisions, decisions...

Just over two years ago, I decided upon my next big challenge. 

About one year ago, I dove even deeper into that challenge, and despite hardships, moved beyond the half-way point. I decided to keep going rather than stop.
Just over one year ago, a decision was made that changed the course of my life. 
Just over four months ago, Robin also made a decision to keep going. 

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” T. S. Eliot

How far is too far?

I laugh to myself at the thought of the quote and that question as a response, as I’m reminded by an inside joke or bit of banter we used to share: “it’s a fine line, Kristyn, a fine line...”. 

This was usually discussed in regards to an athlete missing out on their gold medal by a thousandth of a second or the threat of missing a connecting train on a usual commute between Birmingham and Brussels, but never to actually discuss the possibility of pushing beyond the physical limit of a literal no return. 

We certainly both liked to push our boundaries or even to push THE boundaries, and risks were always calculated or fairly contemplated. Risk assessing the boundaries is a useful, and rational exercise, but I’m still left wondering what “too far” means. I suspect “too far” has a large cost to it of sorts: financial, physical, and/ or emotional, but still, a large cost is a debatable term. Is “too far” a cost on your expenses? Your comfort? Or your actual life? 

What does T. S. Eliot mean in his quote? Oh no 🙄, not meaning again. 

I believe the general consensus around this quote would agree that “too far” would suggest existing somewhere beyond your comfort zone, yet perhaps not facing death. Or perhaps that’s me hopefully projecting for the sake of humanity. 

Or rather, shall we focus on the meaning of the word risk instead? Is to risk to take a chance, thus inviting an element of fate? Is risk-taking tackling known hurdles? Is it a quantified and calculated cost, again, physical, emotional, and/ or financial? 

In any case, to take a risk is to make a decision and set you on your path. Being on a path supposes that you have purpose, and you all know how much of a fan of having purpose I am. 

So what were these decisions? And what is my purpose these days?

Just over two years ago, I decided upon my next big challenge: 

After finishing the Berlin Marathon Oct 1, 2017, I decided to commit to going after my 6-Star Medal. The 6-Star Medal is awarded to those who have completed all six of the World Marathon Major runs: Berlin, Boston, Chicago, London, New York, and Tokyo. In choosing goals for the next couple of years, my thoughts teetered between trekking another peak (Elbrus) or ticking off these marathons. With my age, general running ability, and requirement to qualify for Boston, thus considering my current fitness and ability together, I thought that I better get these marathons done before I start a family, because I certainly don’t want to train this hard when I have munchkins.

About one year ago, I dove even deeper into that challenge, and despite hardships, moved beyond the halfway point. I decided to keep going rather than stop.

As this goal of obtaining the 6-Star Medal contains running the Boston Marathon, which you can only enter if you run a certain (fast-ish) time, I thought I would use the Chicago Marathon in 2018 to get my Boston place. If I didn’t get my time then, I would surely get it 4 weeks later when I ran the New York City marathon. Or that was the plan. After running Berlin, having a few hard months personally, and in training for the Chicago and New York Marathons (Stars 3 and 4), I depleted everything I had physically. 

In the spring of 2018, I found myself napping as soon as I got home from work, feeling absolutely bagged during running, and clocking heart rates on my usual long runs of an upwards of 170 bpm (long run heart rates should be less than 150bpm). I had been getting routine blood work done anyways for another minor issue, and as I was training to get faster at running, some strange results kept surfacing… through broken English and Franglais (I was in Brussels at the time), I continuously paid the doctor 100 Euros for 10 minutes of his time to tell me I was getting rhabdomylosis from exercising. 

During the first consultation, the doctor told me to run less, so I tried to relax on my long runs, but kept up the speed-work. The second consultation, after the marker levels increased, he told me with concern to run less again, so instead I went to see a dietitian and kept running the same. Insert quote here about insanity= repeating the same patterns over again and expecting a different result. After the third consultation, my marker levels slightly decreased (the dietitian helped me out, but doubted her measuring instrument when it repeatedly reported that I had the muscle quality of an elderly person), he was firmly telling me not to run more than 40 minutes, two times a week. By then my coach Leanna switched up my training sessions forcing me to buy a one piece swimsuit for my new running method in the pool so that I would be able to keep training and get my butt around these upcoming marathons.

When you Dr Google rhabdo effects, you get answers such as: Rhabdomylosis a serious syndrome due to a direct or indirect muscle injury. It results from the death of muscle fibers and release of their contents into the bloodstream. It results in acute renal failure. In reading this, many people might have thrown in the towel and rightfully deferred their races until the following year. The point is, I decided to take a risk and keep training, although in an adjusted way, and also partake in the marathons. I read what I could to understand what might actually be happening to my body, decided that it was serious, but low level enough (not likely to result in death), so continued on my quest for these stars.

Circling back to Mr Eliot, I found out that pool running isn’t as bad as I thought it would be, that I can run a decent marathon time, or two, (3:47, 3:49) with limited training, and that I can run two marathons in a month of each other. I found new limits and realizations within myself, which absolutely set me up for what 2019 had in store for me.

Just over one year ago, a decision was made that changed the course of my life.  
I can’t talk about the Chicago Marathon without thinking of Robin. It was this weekend, October 5th, perhaps, that Dan Mazur of Summit Climb made the decision to take Robin on his Everest expedition team. Robin was in. His dream to climb Everest was on. When he opened that e-mail and shared it with me, it would be one of those moments that you remember for the rest of your life.

Just over four months ago, Robin also made a decision to keep going. 
He certainly risked going too far and found out how far he could go. 

I share this story because I believe this T. S. Eliot quote is often too loosely quoted, or perhaps I am now hypersensitive to its sentiment. I am certainly not advocating a life without risk or challenging your personal boundaries. The broader purpose in my life is the decision to keep moving forward, onwards, and upwards; the decision to live a challenge-ful life keeps me going. Rather I would challenge those of you who use this quote as an excuse, to consider the full impact, beyond yourself, of your decisions. Contrarily, discovering how far one can go IS a personal endeavour which should be pursued without having to be defended. You choose because it’s in your heart. You choose because you choose. You choose (hopefully) with purpose.

My choices, decisions, and purpose for 2020 remain on track from what I set out to accomplish in 2017: go after my 6-Star Medal. 

I survived the chaos which is trying to enter the Tokyo Marathon via the charity placement scheme, and have donated 100,000 yen to Plan International to help girls run in developing countries, have access to education, and say “NO” to early forced marriage. The marathon is March 1, 2020.

I will then travel to Boston to collect my 6-Star Medal when I finish the marathon on April 20, 2020. After everything that happened in the last 18 months, and through incredible support from my coach (and sis-star) Leanna Carriere, I managed to take 15 minutes off my marathon time, in a year, on my home turf of Edmonton, where I qualified for Boston.

And if that wasn’t enough, the actual risk I am taking is to enter the Everest Marathon on May 29, 2020. Three marathons in two months, and I thought I’d try my first trail race starting at 5300m of elevation where the course tracks from Everest Base Camp to Namche Bazaar. This was actually something that Robin and I joked about taking part in, and as it will be shortly after a year of his passing, I thought it to be the most fitting tribute I could offer him.

If you are personally interested in exploring what your “too far” might be, then I invite you to take part and join this epic trek with me. You certainly don’t need to run the marathon, as I will also encourage you to trek through this special region of Nepal to Everest Base Camp. I have put together an itinerary and have a company lined up to make all of the arrangements in Nepal. Please message me (kristyncarriere@hotmail.com) if you are interested in joining. 

Otherwise, I leave you with another quote from T. S. Eliot if you are feeling as though you are searching for your purpose:

“To do the useful thing, to say the courageous thing, to contemplate the beautiful thing: that is enough for one man's life.”  T. S. Eliot

Trek-only option also available.

100 days later and my two cents on the new rules

Shortly after Robin and I started our relationship, he presented me with a card. It was the end of May, and there was no traditional holiday in our newly combined schedule that warranted a card or commemoration. I remember feeling touched by the notion of receiving an unprompted gesture and grateful to have such a thoughtful person in my life. This card was a note to thank me for our first 100 days together.

The concept of 100 days was born to me at that point. Kind of like the adages “you can’t unlearn what you’ve learned” or “unsee what you have seen”; now forever aware, 100 day milestones are locked in my brain... along with many other notions Robin brought to me. 

Today has been 100 days from when Robin took his last breath and I still feel all the feelings associated with loss. Even though I completely understand Robin is eternalised as the highest man on earth (until an almighty blast of weather brings him wings or another person summits), every now and again I get smacked in the face with the reality that he is not returning. 

There were two topics I wanted to touch on today, and I guess they are both about coping in their own way. Firstly, as there is continuously news about the number of deaths that occurred in the last season on Everest and subsequently new rules the Nepalese government has proposed, I’m going to give you my two cents on the matter. Secondly, I want to share my thoughts on “meaning”. Perhaps these two topics warrant their own individual entries, but I recognise that both are timely and emotional to me, thus cathartic to write about, and a good way to share how I am coping 100 days later. 

Topic One: The Everest Rule Changes
Maybe not the healthiest of habits for me, but I’m still subscribed to Everest alerts on all sorts of media outlets. Regularly new articles are released as the Spring 2019 season fades away and a hint of a possible Autumn 2019 season surfaces. Many of the articles cite the death count this year, and every time I read the attribution line “inexperienced climbers or guides” as blanket blame for the deaths, I become admittedly angry (reverting to step two of dealing with grief). I’m angry because Robin wouldn’t have wanted his name associated with notions of carelessness or incompetence as I take the term inexperienced to be directed. Queue counter argument from my internal voice saying “but that’s just the meaning you take from such statements, Kristyn”. 

Inexperienced is a spectrum term in this case, and I say so in relation the the new rules the Nepalese government released for upcoming seasons. Enforceability of these rules still remains a hot topic for discussion; however, the key points (which make me angry) are: 

a. Climbers must prove they have summited a Nepalese peak higher than 6500m prior to their Everest bid.

b. Only Nepalese citizens will be able to be leaders and guides

c. Tourism companies are required to have at least three years’ experience organizing high-altitude expeditions

d. The base ticket price will be $35,000

e. Health Certificates must be provided before issuing permits

Apart from Robin's qualifying summit of Aconcagua not being a Nepalese peak  of >6500m, these rule changes wouldn’t have prevented Robin from dying. If Everest Summit Certificates can be forged by the body that will regulate this rule, then anyone would be able to produce a proving piece of paper. Robin was with a Sherpa who had summited Everest 19 times already and the tour company Robin went with asked for a health note from a doctor as a part of the signing-up package. These rules will also not dramatically reduce the number of permits issued as I expect a large number of aspiring expedition goers can probably scrape together the extra cash for the permit; either because of their affluence or their pure determination to make their dreams come true. Then what would have prevented Robin’s death? Or that of the other 10 casualties? Who really knows as my experience in finding out the particulars is shrouded in as much mystery as the contents of Pandora’s Box.  Would these rules have prevented the others from dying? I also don’t have the answer to that as I haven’t done the in-depth research. 

The Nepalese government has full reason to raise an inquiry into how to decrease the risk of death on Everest as it is in their interest to decrease the number of negative P.R. stories. The government also should lead changes to improve safety and accountability. I don’t believe the proposals are enough from a safety perspective. To my knowledge, there is no real accountability for people (and I mean this in the sense of humanity) once you sign your life away on the wavier provided to you by your expedition company. 

A question I’d start with if I was the government is: what measures must be in place to de-risk the chance of death during expedition when the fully experienced, faux-ly experienced, or that one unlucky somewhat experienced person runs into trouble? I’ve got thoughts on the matter, and invite you to share yours with me, to make the whole Everest experience a better place for the expedition members, and subsequently family and friends of climbers involved. 

…

Topic two: Meaning

As mentioned, what makes me angry about the news reports is the meaning I assert to lines such as: 

“criticized for not stopping inexperienced climbers who had difficulty coping with harsh conditions on Everest and slowed down other climbers”

“Nepalese commission found that the Everest deaths were primarily caused by the inexperience of the climbers and crowding near the 29,035 ft (8,850 m) summit.”

Alternatively the term inexperienced in these statements could be interpreted to mean that climbers just haven’t clocked enough climbing time (or experience) to understand how their body fully works (or doesn’t in this case) at altitude.

Ultimately a concept I am well familiar with and which has been a game changer in my outlook on life, thereby ability to cope with hardship, is that “life is empty and meaningless” (where meaningless does NOT mean pointless) and the meaning is what you choose. Furthermore, I support this concept or belief structure with the belief that “where focus goes, energy flows” meaning 🤪 that if you choose to focus, or take meaning, in negative ways, negative energy fills you. 

Contrarily, I choose to spend my thoughts assuming positive intent, meaning, etc to invite positive mind states and eventually positive manifestations within my life. By the way... I’d like to state that these are not (my) original ideas and I fully credit my experiences with The Landmark Forum and Tony Robbins (more gifts from my time with Robin) to equipping me to cope in the way that I am. 

So how am I coping theses 100 days later? 

Cognizantly

Rationally

Potentially irrationally

At times, emotionally. 

A long time acquaintance of mine said to me that I have an interesting way of “dealing with life” that seems to work for me. I put everything in a cupboard and pull out what I need at the time I am ready to address it. Sometimes I put things back, shunning them because I’m not ready. Other times I take them out, and fully process and let go. This is definitely a fair reflection of my time over the past 5 years of my life, and especially so in the past three months, or 100 days.

I mentioned that I am still at times surprised by the idea that Robin will never return, and I choose the word idea because that’s another coping strategy that I, and others (refer to the writer Elizabeth Gilbert as a way to gain credibility to this notion), use to process grief. We choose to sign-up to the belief that those we love are omnipresent and are recognised in our thoughts, in our earworms, and in the change of wind we feel in those quiet moments. 

The word “idea” meaning suggestion or possibility that one’s life is not defined entirely by their presence within their body, meaning (to me) that one’s presence may be felt, or acknowledged without a traditionally physical presence. Perhaps this is still me cycling from anger to denial, but what does it really matter if this idea brings me comfort and helps me get through the day? I CAN honestly say that in searching for answers, assigning meaning, or inviting signs to feel that Robin is with me, I am not straying far from what might be deemed “traditional daily effectiveness” on the surface and get $#!t done. Hey, I did still BQ!

I will also say that I am still trying to find answers, and interpret and assign meaning to the events leading up to Robin’s death as a way of coping and finding closure. However, through the support of my sisters and my rational mind, I do continue to question my intentions and to check that they are globally positive, allowing me to invite the positivity I need at an innate level to fuel my life’s path. 

With that, I’ll leave you with a mini mantra: 

“Where focus goes, energy flows” 

and let you choose where to place your energies. 

We could all do with a lot more positivity in our lives- that’s a fact!