Shortly after Robin and I started our relationship, he presented me with a card. It was the end of May, and there was no traditional holiday in our newly combined schedule that warranted a card or commemoration. I remember feeling touched by the notion of receiving an unprompted gesture and grateful to have such a thoughtful person in my life. This card was a note to thank me for our first 100 days together.
The concept of 100 days was born to me at that point. Kind of like the adages “you can’t unlearn what you’ve learned” or “unsee what you have seen”; now forever aware, 100 day milestones are locked in my brain... along with many other notions Robin brought to me.
Today has been 100 days from when Robin took his last breath and I still feel all the feelings associated with loss. Even though I completely understand Robin is eternalised as the highest man on earth (until an almighty blast of weather brings him wings or another person summits), every now and again I get smacked in the face with the reality that he is not returning.
There were two topics I wanted to touch on today, and I guess they are both about coping in their own way. Firstly, as there is continuously news about the number of deaths that occurred in the last season on Everest and subsequently new rules the Nepalese government has proposed, I’m going to give you my two cents on the matter. Secondly, I want to share my thoughts on “meaning”. Perhaps these two topics warrant their own individual entries, but I recognise that both are timely and emotional to me, thus cathartic to write about, and a good way to share how I am coping 100 days later.
Topic One: The Everest Rule Changes
Maybe not the healthiest of habits for me, but I’m still subscribed to Everest alerts on all sorts of media outlets. Regularly new articles are released as the Spring 2019 season fades away and a hint of a possible Autumn 2019 season surfaces. Many of the articles cite the death count this year, and every time I read the attribution line “inexperienced climbers or guides” as blanket blame for the deaths, I become admittedly angry (reverting to step two of dealing with grief). I’m angry because Robin wouldn’t have wanted his name associated with notions of carelessness or incompetence as I take the term inexperienced to be directed. Queue counter argument from my internal voice saying “but that’s just the meaning you take from such statements, Kristyn”.
Inexperienced is a spectrum term in this case, and I say so in relation the the new rules the Nepalese government released for upcoming seasons. Enforceability of these rules still remains a hot topic for discussion; however, the key points (which make me angry) are:
a. Climbers must prove they have summited a Nepalese peak higher than 6500m prior to their Everest bid.
b. Only Nepalese citizens will be able to be leaders and guides
c. Tourism companies are required to have at least three years’ experience organizing high-altitude expeditions
d. The base ticket price will be $35,000
e. Health Certificates must be provided before issuing permits
Apart from Robin's qualifying summit of Aconcagua not being a Nepalese peak of >6500m, these rule changes wouldn’t have prevented Robin from dying. If Everest Summit Certificates can be forged by the body that will regulate this rule, then anyone would be able to produce a proving piece of paper. Robin was with a Sherpa who had summited Everest 19 times already and the tour company Robin went with asked for a health note from a doctor as a part of the signing-up package. These rules will also not dramatically reduce the number of permits issued as I expect a large number of aspiring expedition goers can probably scrape together the extra cash for the permit; either because of their affluence or their pure determination to make their dreams come true. Then what would have prevented Robin’s death? Or that of the other 10 casualties? Who really knows as my experience in finding out the particulars is shrouded in as much mystery as the contents of Pandora’s Box. Would these rules have prevented the others from dying? I also don’t have the answer to that as I haven’t done the in-depth research.
The Nepalese government has full reason to raise an inquiry into how to decrease the risk of death on Everest as it is in their interest to decrease the number of negative P.R. stories. The government also should lead changes to improve safety and accountability. I don’t believe the proposals are enough from a safety perspective. To my knowledge, there is no real accountability for people (and I mean this in the sense of humanity) once you sign your life away on the wavier provided to you by your expedition company.
A question I’d start with if I was the government is: what measures must be in place to de-risk the chance of death during expedition when the fully experienced, faux-ly experienced, or that one unlucky somewhat experienced person runs into trouble? I’ve got thoughts on the matter, and invite you to share yours with me, to make the whole Everest experience a better place for the expedition members, and subsequently family and friends of climbers involved.
…
Topic two: Meaning
As mentioned, what makes me angry about the news reports is the meaning I assert to lines such as:
“criticized for not stopping inexperienced climbers who had difficulty coping with harsh conditions on Everest and slowed down other climbers”
“Nepalese commission found that the Everest deaths were primarily caused by the inexperience of the climbers and crowding near the 29,035 ft (8,850 m) summit.”
Alternatively the term inexperienced in these statements could be interpreted to mean that climbers just haven’t clocked enough climbing time (or experience) to understand how their body fully works (or doesn’t in this case) at altitude.
Ultimately a concept I am well familiar with and which has been a game changer in my outlook on life, thereby ability to cope with hardship, is that “life is empty and meaningless” (where meaningless does NOT mean pointless) and the meaning is what you choose. Furthermore, I support this concept or belief structure with the belief that “where focus goes, energy flows” meaning 🤪 that if you choose to focus, or take meaning, in negative ways, negative energy fills you.
Contrarily, I choose to spend my thoughts assuming positive intent, meaning, etc to invite positive mind states and eventually positive manifestations within my life. By the way... I’d like to state that these are not (my) original ideas and I fully credit my experiences with The Landmark Forum and Tony Robbins (more gifts from my time with Robin) to equipping me to cope in the way that I am.
So how am I coping theses 100 days later?
Cognizantly
Rationally
Potentially irrationally
At times, emotionally.
A long time acquaintance of mine said to me that I have an interesting way of “dealing with life” that seems to work for me. I put everything in a cupboard and pull out what I need at the time I am ready to address it. Sometimes I put things back, shunning them because I’m not ready. Other times I take them out, and fully process and let go. This is definitely a fair reflection of my time over the past 5 years of my life, and especially so in the past three months, or 100 days.
I mentioned that I am still at times surprised by the idea that Robin will never return, and I choose the word idea because that’s another coping strategy that I, and others (refer to the writer Elizabeth Gilbert as a way to gain credibility to this notion), use to process grief. We choose to sign-up to the belief that those we love are omnipresent and are recognised in our thoughts, in our earworms, and in the change of wind we feel in those quiet moments.
The word “idea” meaning suggestion or possibility that one’s life is not defined entirely by their presence within their body, meaning (to me) that one’s presence may be felt, or acknowledged without a traditionally physical presence. Perhaps this is still me cycling from anger to denial, but what does it really matter if this idea brings me comfort and helps me get through the day? I CAN honestly say that in searching for answers, assigning meaning, or inviting signs to feel that Robin is with me, I am not straying far from what might be deemed “traditional daily effectiveness” on the surface and get $#!t done. Hey, I did still BQ!
I will also say that I am still trying to find answers, and interpret and assign meaning to the events leading up to Robin’s death as a way of coping and finding closure. However, through the support of my sisters and my rational mind, I do continue to question my intentions and to check that they are globally positive, allowing me to invite the positivity I need at an innate level to fuel my life’s path.
With that, I’ll leave you with a mini mantra:
“Where focus goes, energy flows”
and let you choose where to place your energies.
We could all do with a lot more positivity in our lives- that’s a fact!
