"So you're a research scientist, you've come to Britain, and you're on MasterChef... you really do love an adventure?"
Just a bit, eh?!
So how did this all come about? Some of my friends wouldn't be surprised that I ended up on reality TV- really, since the first ever season of Survivor, and ever-so building with watching the Amazing Race series, I've secretly wanted to be on a show. And like most armchair critics, my competitive nature makes me think- hey, I'm better than that person (or not in this case).
September rolled on, still coming down from my Kili high, I did what any (attention grabbing) junkie does and scoured around for my next hit. I need some more stimulation, I thought- something to get wrapped up in! What should it be? To the internet I went in search of the application form for the Great British Bake Off.; however, it was not open yet. Ok, if not Bake Off, then what is a suitable substitute? MasterChef?! And a bit of self-commentary here:
"Are you really sure you want to do this?!"
"Why not, who says I'll get in?"
"But you know you'll get in, for the reason that you don't really want to get in?"
"That's not true. I think I can do it."
"But the thought of taking part in the professional kitchen makes you want to run away in terror"
"I'll cross that bridge when it comes"
And with that, I filled out the application form to the best of my TV-appropriate answering ability and sent it off. Now, I'm not allowed to speak about the details, so I will skip onward to commenting with my two cents/pence on what is in the public domain.
Picnic style: Braised duck in thyme-infused tortellini with blackberry reduction and creme fraiche. I might have had to cook something like this before what you saw on TV.
Filming is in advance of airing, and with enough time that I managed to forget about the live commentary I provided at the time. I even managed to calm down and underplay the feelings I had in the whirlwind of a time I was involved. Under contract, I was/am not allowed to spoil the magic, so only a handful of people knew what I was up to. My little secret- how spesh! However, some keen foodies spotted me about a week prior to airing as programme dates were confirmed on the official website. And would you look at that, who do you see?
As word started to get out, my colleagues were asking me if it was true. Should I or should I not alert the masses? In sheer fear of making an ass of myself, I kept the interests of the show in tact and downplayed the event. The truth was, I couldn't remember what I had said at the time of filming- I did, however, have flashback hints (like a Sunday afternoon after a rough Saturday out)- was I really the smart ass to seal their fate at the point of self-review?
Anyone that watches reality TV/ TV competitions knows that as soon as someone says they are better than the group, they are gone! I remembered saying something to that effect, and sorry to spoil it for those of you that haven't yet watched, I said goodbye after Day 1. To be exact- "I'm definitely not the furthest along, but I definitely think I'm not at the bottom". If I was sat on my couch watching someone I didn't know, I'd be snarkily stating how they were going home after such a comment. And so did those punters live-commenting on the Facebook page. Interestingly, though- I remember feeling more smug when I said that on the day, which didn't come across on camera, (thank god!) and, the judges didn't hear that interview so, voted my smug-ass off for some other reason that still isn't that clear to me.
Apart from that comment, I couldn't remember what other cringe-worthy strings of words I slung together, which was why my hesitancy only strengthened my yearning for secrecy from the whole experience. It turned out that I had to watch it at the point of broadcast with the rest of the UK.
Below are a string of frames from the show with some of the thoughts going through my head at the time:
OMG- I'm in the TV! At this point I'm normally tucked up on the couch with a glass of wine anticipating what disasters are about to unfold. I am now the one who I normally judge. Keep calm- and do what I need to do.
And do this by smashing the heck out of my meat!
Mushroom stuffed port tenderloin with a honey balsamic glaze. Yes, those are toothpicks because my meat-tying skills are appalling.
Not looking disgusted, phew! Note here: What was aired was probably less than a third of the footage that was actually taken. In each of the high pressure cooking hours that we had to produce and edible plate of food, John Torode prowled the benches smugly smelling and getting into elements to be included in the contestant's dishes. I received a sceptical glance at the state of my home-grown sage (we got to bring in an element from home to include if we wished), but an approving glance when he tucked his unwashed hands into my pastry crumbs.
The two dishes that I produced for the show:
Above- Calling Card: Mushroom stuffed pork tenderloin with a honey balsamic glaze. On a bed of creamed leeks (kudos to The Nowell's for their inspiration). Served with roast potatoes, tomatoes, and crispy sage.
Below- Invention Test: Carameliszd fig crumble with lavender infused pastry and lavender infused marscapone cheese.
Gregg "love, love, loving the lavender infused cream". Too bad he didn't appreciate the subtlety of my garlic in the first round.
Just a few notes about the show format for those of you who aren't familiar.
The first round we were asked to prepare our Calling Card. "It gives us an idea of what kind of cook you are". Something to be prepared in an hour with no sweet/ savoury restrictions. I battled with the strategy of the first round- do I do reliable or daring? If I get reliable bang-on, then it will trump the muppets that mess up their daring. However, there is a risk of playing it too safe. I erred on reliable. I have cooked far more complex and exciting things than pork; however, with the knowledge of what the Day 2 challenge was, I didn't want to serve pork to potential diners who were adverse to it. Let's start with it- use some sage from the garden, and with good execution I should sit comfortably (or so I thought).
Those familiar with the format know that there are many different challenges throughout the journey, and one of the classics is the Invention Test. Choose a box: Sweet or Savoury. You have a basic larder, but don't know what is in the box. You have 10 minutes to think of something to cook in 1-hour. I was so excited to take part in either this round or the Palate Test (test my sensory ability to the max!!). How do you prepare? You need to know some core recipes off the top of your head; so the night before filming, I got my little red book of recipes out and studied things I could make with core ingredients: pastries (shortcrust, puffed, crumble) and sauces (Hollandaise and veloute based).
The instant that I walked into the "kitchen" and saw the choice of two boxes, my brain did what it does best and jumped straight into action planning mode. I cannot remember the introductory spiel that the hosts were rattling off- my ears were closed to them as I processed the larder ingredients in front of me. Flour, icing sugar, eggs, butter- sorted! Now, think hard- what are your pastry ratios! By choosing the Sweet box, chances are extremely high that there will be fruit in the box= tatin or crumble.
Here is what I had to work with: Stem ginger, figs, pastry, rosemary, marscapone, eggs, lavender apricots, and pine nuts. Classically apricot and ginger sticks in my head, but as that was the first combination I thought of, I discounted it as being too common. Hmmm... figs?! Let's try them. And, to be more interesting, throw some herbs in there as any nouveaux chef is doing these days. What was risky- I have never used figs nor lavender in my cooking. What the heck do I even do with figs? Are they peeled? I sliced one and ate the skin- it wasn't horrible so left it on the rest of them. One hour later, the fig tatin that I had intended to make ended up more like a crumble, so I disappointingly trimmed around the edges to tidy up the presentation (in hindsight I wish I would have sliced it, instead), got some over-caramelized fig caught in my teeth (you can see me picking it out on the show) and brought my plate to the judges at the front with a live crumble-re-branding as I presented the dish.
I received positive (lovely touch of lavender, excellent pastry, kudos for doing a sweet) and negative (figs too hard) comments, and ultimately was dismissed as the second contestant to leave the episode.
Gutting, yes. Bittersweet, yes- especially when I walked through the doors after being dismissed and the producers were flabbergasted! However, better now than when I invested more emotion into the competition; and, I was secretly dreading cooking my two courses in the next round. Concocting pan-fried duck breast on parsnip puree, with curly kale, and a blackberry reduction as a main with homemade pumpkin pie (from raw, whole pumpkin) to a finished product in 1hr 15min was terrifying me, but I can honestly say that the entirety of the experience was amazing and unforgettable!
And to end off, I would like to share some of the comments I received from those rooting for me during the live broadcast and fans that commented the next day:
Love from Saira Hamilton, finalist in 2013 (although I remember shouting at the TV that I can poach eggs better than her!)
Live feed on Facebook during the show.
And perhaps my favourite, after a rather large smashing from parochial Guardian writer Sam Wollaston- here is the link to the article. How dare you assume all Canadians are from Toronto!
And a mulligan of how my dessert should have been.
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The progarmme can be watched on YouTube:
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